we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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