we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
