rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
