Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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