rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
