if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
