What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
