It's Friday. Sex?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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