just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
