We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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