my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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