Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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