im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
