wrigley field is MILF paradise
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
