FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
They took my balls.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
