I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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