dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
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