Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
