my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
