WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
