I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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