Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
