Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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