I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
