Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
