i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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