he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize