the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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