I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
