I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
