so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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