Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
