Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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