Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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