I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
