I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
