I looked at my own cervix.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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