JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
