broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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