I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
