Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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