I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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