I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
