i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
