So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize