I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
