We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
