I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
