I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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