that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
