If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
