I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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