you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
