the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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