My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
