get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
