I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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