I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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