So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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