So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
