i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
