youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
