i may or may not be watching the land before time
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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